Haha, indeed. Indeed.
I never felt like a man, I just kept trying to emulate what I thought a man was. It was... a title, or a job, more than a thing that you were. If that makes sense? I think I kind of just thought that was what everyone did, that that was normal. When you lack even the kernel of the concept, when there's nothing for a spark to ignite, there's no hope of finding the path. Or, at least, there wasn't for me. I'm not stupid, but I was definitely only just as smart as it took to know something was wrong. I was blessed to have a great family, and I'll talk shit about them any chance I get but I do think all of the professionals were doing their best to help. But none of us had the right answer, and it almost got a lot of people killed. And maybe the worst part, nobody in the entire world would know why to prevent it from happening again.
Oh absolutely, I fell into that same hole for most of my life, I knew I was different, and fortunately I found out what that different was at a decent age, just couldn't act on it, and so likewise felt "well, ok, I feel this way, but I was born as this, so I have to try and be this." Doesn't work. But I tried. I know and I respect that struggle oh so well, I'm glad you have a supportive family.
The day I came real close to becoming a family annihilator, everything shattered. Everything I thought I knew, everything I thought I was. It took... an extremely long time to get out of that crater. To convince myself that it was worth trying to piece myself back together, even if that resurrected that fucking thing** inside me. If my family hadn't stuck with me, I don't know what exactly would've happened. I mean aside from being in prison (because, ostensibly, they covered for me hardcore whilst the rest of the neighborhood watched and gossiped) and exiled and shit.
But, that's also why I know that I'm not wired the same way as some (most?) others. Never once did the idea of self-harm occur to me. When I completely lost my sense of self, when I fully succumbed* to it**, the animal or spiritual or whatever instinct didn't drive me to an end. It drove me to lash out at any and everything nearby instead without my knowledge or input. For me there was the trigger, the aftermath, and nothing in between.
It's rarer to have a homicidal reaction than a suicidal one, but it's not unheard of, sadly. The only solution is to lean into the situation and face it head on, as you have done. Does it fix everything 100%? Of course not, I'm sure you know that very well, but we still have our issues no matter what we do. I guess I get "lucky" in that my brain goes suicidal rather than homicidal, but yeah, for most trans people it's almost a universal constant that we're going to be desperate to get out of our situation any way possible.
So I haven't specifically said it before, but yes - I don't speak for all trans people. Just myself. Like everything else, transgender people aren't a monolith. If you ask 100 of us how we came to be and what our perspectives are, you're probably going to wind up with nearly 100 different answers.
Accurate! That's why I always preface my responses with that exact thought. I cannot speak for trans people anymore than one "straight white male" can speak for all "straight white males."
I'm of course also open to questions or thoughts. Following from the above, while I may upset myself in the process of figuring out an answer, I don't personally mind difficult or pointed questions. But please, please understand that this is not true of just any trans person. All trans people have trauma and all of our existences are probably founded on it beyond some members of the very most recent generation. Most of us are simply not mentally prepared to go through it again, and they may not always(/ever) act positively if things are phrased certain ways, or certain trigger words are used that you yourself could have absolutely no way of knowing in advance. If it makes it easier, think of it in the same vein as PTSD.
SOOOO important for people to keep this in mind. I've gone through death threats and and hate groups, so I can handle the questions, but there are a lot of trans people who are still coming to terms with themselves and cannot handle the agony of going back down that road again. So always, always ask if it's ok before starting in on questions. I'm fine with questions, so ask away!
I would prefer my pronouns be She/Her, and I'll probably give someone a stern (or sad...) look if they deadname*** me, but I won't cause a scene or otherwise acknowledge the faux pas and continue with the exchange. Being referred to as the/a wrong gender or deadnaming will have vastly different outcomes for others.
Yeah, I kind of make my deadname known, but I don't want to be known AS it. I am Crystal, she/her, that's what I prefer because that's what I am.
