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The town of Moonshine was small. Everybody knows your name like the theme song from Cheers. Sheriff Benzine and Deputy Ants! were drinking at the local whorehouse by invitation of Mayor Grubby who owned the establishment and didn't pay any taxes. Only the mayor was really late.
"We should go ahead and drink without him before the beer gets cold," said Ants!.
"Food gets cold you simpleton," said the sheriff. "Beer gets warm."
"Oh right. Sorry, I need to go back and read the rules some more."
"Why did I deputize you? I swear if you fuck this up-"
"Like you almost did twice?" said Deputy Ants!.
It looked like it was about to come to one of those old fashioned tavern brawls like you see when somebody is caught with five Aces at poker plus an Old Maid and Uno Reverse card for some reason and everyone else just starts flipping tables and smashing bottles over heads to get in on the fun, when a scream was heard outside the saloon that used to be a whorehouse when I started writing this.
Sheriff Benzine and Deputy Ants! both come stumbling out of the swinging doors into the street outside. Benzine stumbling because he sipped his beer and is a lightweight, Ants! stumbling because he had his pants around his ankles ever since the mayor sent his invitation.
The screaming came from the center of the street where there was a gathering around a dead body. Mayor Grubby lay there with his throat ripped open. A cross and a rosary lay next to him, he was the Priest.
Benzine started drawing a line around the body in the dirt with chalk for some reason.
"Catch whoever did this!" shrieked Smacktard, who is both a dick and an asshole. "I don't want to wait for our lives to be over! Like that theme song to Dawson's Creek!" Then he ran out of the village into the sunset.
Sheriff Benzine stood back up and dusted his hands on his assless cowboy chaps and reached into the depths of his abysmal crime-solving skills to declare:
"OKAY, MOONSHINE! WHO DUNNIT??"
"We should go ahead and drink without him before the beer gets cold," said Ants!.
"Food gets cold you simpleton," said the sheriff. "Beer gets warm."
"Oh right. Sorry, I need to go back and read the rules some more."
"Why did I deputize you? I swear if you fuck this up-"
"Like you almost did twice?" said Deputy Ants!.
It looked like it was about to come to one of those old fashioned tavern brawls like you see when somebody is caught with five Aces at poker plus an Old Maid and Uno Reverse card for some reason and everyone else just starts flipping tables and smashing bottles over heads to get in on the fun, when a scream was heard outside the saloon that used to be a whorehouse when I started writing this.
Sheriff Benzine and Deputy Ants! both come stumbling out of the swinging doors into the street outside. Benzine stumbling because he sipped his beer and is a lightweight, Ants! stumbling because he had his pants around his ankles ever since the mayor sent his invitation.
The screaming came from the center of the street where there was a gathering around a dead body. Mayor Grubby lay there with his throat ripped open. A cross and a rosary lay next to him, he was the Priest.
Benzine started drawing a line around the body in the dirt with chalk for some reason.
"Catch whoever did this!" shrieked Smacktard, who is both a dick and an asshole. "I don't want to wait for our lives to be over! Like that theme song to Dawson's Creek!" Then he ran out of the village into the sunset.
Sheriff Benzine stood back up and dusted his hands on his assless cowboy chaps and reached into the depths of his abysmal crime-solving skills to declare:
"OKAY, MOONSHINE! WHO DUNNIT??"
