How do you cope with a serious illness in the family?

[Kat]

That's awful you're having to dealing with all that at once.

Do you have the option to get away for a bit for Christmas? I had a Thanksgiving once where a lot of stressful shit was happening, and I really just wanted to forget the holiday even existed, so I went to Vegas for the long weekend. It helped a lot. Maybe there's somewhere you can go to get your mind off Christmas? Admittedly, that's a much more difficult holiday to avoid.

 

[TD]

Do you have the option to get away for a bit for Christmas? I had a Thanksgiving once where a lot of stressful shit was happening, and I really just wanted to forget the holiday even existed, so I went to Vegas for the long weekend. It helped a lot. Maybe there's somewhere you can go to get your mind off Christmas? Admittedly, that's a much more difficult holiday to avoid.

My wife and I had a discussion about this but it's truly not feasible for us. At least for actual Christmas. Christmas is also a HUGE deal for our family. Like you said - hard to avoid.

 

[shortkut]

@TD I’m sorry that you’re going through all of this, especially all at the same time. I’m not a wordsmith, so I won’t try to be one. I’m just thankful this community came back when it did and I hope we can be here for what you need us for. Either just to read your posts, to distract you, or something else entirely

 

[Raine]

...and for the cherry on top.
- My dad passed away at the end of October from a heart attack
- He was diabetic but they presumed it was stress and/or anxiety driven

I'm very sorry to hear about your father's passing! That's super rough on top of the preexisting concerns for your mother.

Stress will absolutely exacerbate any and all underlying conditions, and sadly - especially in times like these - it's basically impossible to avoid. Very vicious cycle. Definitely keep heeding your therapist's advice and pass along what you learn/encourage your mom and sister to de-stress as much as possible too!


The news about your mom's second surgery sounds promising, and while scary your sister getting checked out is super good. The earlier you catch these the better, so fingers crossed that it's quickly dealt with and she's overall no worse for wear. If not it actually being outright benign to begin with!

 

[TD]

while scary your sister getting checked out is super good. The earlier you catch these the better, so fingers crossed that it's quickly dealt with and she's overall no worse for wear.

They've also already said that hers has been there "a while" based on the size and we don't even have a date for them removing it to biopsy it ("yay" healthcare system collapse).

It is positive that it drove her to get checked out.

I'm just trying to have positive energy through this as cliche as that sounds but I also need to tamper expectations. That's why the outcome of the first surgery hit me so hard when it didn't go well.

I’m just thankful this community came back when it did and I hope we can be here for what you need us for. Either just to read your posts, to distract you, or something else entirely

And it's been great for that. Wolf games are also a great distracting especially with how "involved" I get in them.

The support here has beyond what I ever would've expected when coming back.

 

[Raine]

I'm just trying to have positive energy through this as cliche as that sounds but I also need to tamper expectations. That's why the outcome of the first surgery hit me so hard when it didn't go well.

Staying positive in whatever capacity is the only way forward, to be sure. Nothing good comes from the self-poisoning of cynicism, worst-case scenario dooms-daying and the horrors beyond. I could regale you with stories, but I don't think they'll offer comfort so Let's Positive Thinking instead.

I totally get being gut punched by a negative outcome, though. Definitely... feared the worst, when you posted that. But mom's still there with you, they managed to finish the job, and you have more time together. Keep focusing on that.

 

[Mark]

Staying positive in whatever capacity is the only way forward, to be sure. Nothing good comes from the self-poisoning of cynicism, worst-case scenario dooms-daying and the horrors beyond. I could regale you with stories, but I don't think they'll offer comfort so Let's Positive Thinking instead.

I totally get being gut punched by a negative outcome, though. Definitely... feared the worst, when you posted that. But mom's still there with you, they managed to finish the job, and you have more time together. Keep focusing on that.

Exactly. Be aware of the potential outcomes, but don’t let them consume you. It’s easy to miss out on minutes and hours that could be better spent cherishing the time left when those feelings eat at you.

 

[TD]

So - my mom seems to be in a promising position which is a positive... my sister, however.

Spoiler: Potentially emotionally triggering

As I mentioned she had a tumour identified that turns out is 99% likely to be cancer based on tests but the only way they can know for sure is to remove it.

In either Nov or Dec (it's honestly a fucking blur), the tumour ruptured under pressure and with the suspicion that it's cancerous, they have assumed it has spread.

My sister has a surgery date scheduled for February 26 (my birthday of all days), which is terrifying for it's own reasons as I had a nightmare around Christmas that she died on my birthday. My therapist has managed to convince me that it's my subconscious in a vulnerable state imagining worst case scenario so that's what I'm going with.

Most of my family continues to refuse to talk about how serious this is, which has inadvertently led to me being the rock for a lot of people right now - which in the current state of my mental health can turn out to be quite overwhelming.

I will be going to stay with her for at least two weeks, depending on the outcomes.

The surgery is a full hysterectomy, removal of the cervix, the appendix, at least part of (if not all) of the bowel, and maybe more once they get in there.

Follow up treatment will be based on how successful the surgery is, if they find if the cancer is still present, quality of life, and more.

 

[Raine]

That's great news about your mom! Glad to hear she's getting encouraging results.

Your sister's surgery sounds scary, and it is, but the spoiler bit about your therapist is spot on - catastrophic thoughts are normal hazards in these types of situations. Our subconscious thoughts/feelings absolutely love to kick us when we're down, and manifest things in strange and terrifying ways (sometimes as a coping mechanism). So, yeah, definitely try to ignore that and focus on what's real: The surgery date, the information you and your sister have and the expectations the clinical staff have/can provide.

Continuing to hope for the best!

 

[Crystal]

That's so encouraging that your mother is doing so well! Long may that continue!

I'm sorry to hear about your sister, that is so, so much to deal with. She is in the best possible hands, though, and that is what counts. It's a scary situation, all cancer is scary, but the doctors are amazing and will do their absolute best for her. Plus she's got one amazing brother there for her and a whole community of her brother's friends, no family, behind her, too. Fight the good fight!

Most of my family continues to refuse to talk about how serious this is, which has inadvertently led to me being the rock for a lot of people right now - which in the current state of my mental health can turn out to be quite overwhelming.

I know exactly how that goes, and I'm glad at least someone is willing to open up and be there on an emotional level. Don't take it all in and forget yourself, though. I did that, it crushed me. Be there for YOU, as well. Your mental health is so important, so never feel like you can't step away for a few minutes, an hour, a day. You need you time, don't forget that. We're here for you, the whole way, and we always will be. We love you, @TD, and your sister!

 

[Mark]

So - my mom seems to be in a promising position which is a positive... my sister, however.

Spoiler: Potentially emotionally triggering

As I mentioned she had a tumour identified that turns out is 99% likely to be cancer based on tests but the only way they can know for sure is to remove it.

In either Nov or Dec (it's honestly a fucking blur), the tumour ruptured under pressure and with the suspicion that it's cancerous, they have assumed it has spread.

My sister has a surgery date scheduled for February 26 (my birthday of all days), which is terrifying for it's own reasons as I had a nightmare around Christmas that she died on my birthday. My therapist has managed to convince me that it's my subconscious in a vulnerable state imagining worst case scenario so that's what I'm going with.

Most of my family continues to refuse to talk about how serious this is, which has inadvertently led to me being the rock for a lot of people right now - which in the current state of my mental health can turn out to be quite overwhelming.

I will be going to stay with her for at least two weeks, depending on the outcomes.

The surgery is a full hysterectomy, removal of the cervix, the appendix, at least part of (if not all) of the bowel, and maybe more once they get in there.

Follow up treatment will be based on how successful the surgery is, if they find if the cancer is still present, quality of life, and more.

I know it’s not easy to be totally optimistic or confident in your position, but from what I’ve heard about a total hysterectomy versus a partial, she could have a better chance of fighting it off with the total one. I’ve known quite a few women that have had that procedure done to remove cancerous growths, it’s alarming how common it actually is. I can think of two off of the top of my head that had partial hysterectomies only to have to turn around and complete the procedure a year or two later when it resurfaced, and they’ve been in remission since. The sole benefit of that is the massive amount of experience doctors have with reproductive cancers now versus back even as recent as 20 years ago. It’s still a very scary situation for your sister to be in, but it’s not quite the death sentence it used to be. My girlfriend is another that had reproductive cancer when she was in her early 20’s… she’s 34 now. Keep your hopes up, dude.