Florida Man

[VashTheStampede]

Hi. Vash here. I'm from Florida. I am a man. I am a thus a Florida man. But I am not a Florida Man.

See here in Florida we have extremely open public record laws. So everytime a guy in this state, say, gets arrested for drug possession and claims the syringes hidden in his rectum weren't his...it makes the news. And thus another Florida Man is born.

So, assuming you don't wanna come down to the land of Mar-a-Lago and Don't Say Gay and commit your own crimes, but still want to see what kind of Florida Man or Woman you could be, there's a semi-amusing game you can play. Pull up ol Google, and search for "Florida Man" + your birthday...and see what could have been, had you been lucky enough to live in the state where Mickey Mouse battles the Fascists.

As for me, I'm the Florida Man who dressed up as Spider-Man and stole credit cards from a grocery store.

 

[canadaguy]

My Florida Man crawled under a table at the library and tried to sniff some ladies feet. Then attempted to escape on a scooter.

 

[Crystal]

Apparently my birthday doesn't have many interesting Florida people. Just one man who passed out drunk in a drive thru line after buying tacos, kept his car in park and foot hard down on the accelerator and managed to set his car on fire...which didn't wake him. Cops pulled him from the car and he then proceeded to give them a taco as his ID.

Florida Man October 1

On October 1, 2011, a Florida man passed out drunk in the drive-thru of a Jensen Beach Taco Bell, with his foot on the accelerator and his car in park...Which cause it to catch on fire (but that didn't wake him up).

www.audacy.com

 

[VashTheStampede]

I find that extremely interesting.

 

[canadaguy]

I find that extremely interesting.

Yeah I was riveted by the escalation of that story

 

[Raine]

Oh, oh! What's that game? You know, the one where you guess if it's Florida Man or the other one? I love that game. It's always fucking Florida Man!


I refuse to believe this is an actual picture. This thing has layers, man.

Spoiler: Alleged mugshot

Florida man used 87-year-old woman 'as a mop' to clean up dog urine, arrest report says

An ex-felon who was also a family friend is accused of dragging an 87-year-old woman across the floor and using her "as a mop" according to his arrest report.

wwmt.com

Runner-ups: Literally playing Frogger IRL, and having sex with a miniature horse.

 

[shortkut]

Florida man tells deputies cocaine on his nose is not his, officials say

 

[VashTheStampede]

having sex with a miniature horse.

Florida Man arrested in the saddest fashion

 

[canadaguy]

Florida Man arrested in the saddest fashion

Also like how embarrassing that it was a miniature horse

 

[Mark]

Also… @VashTheStampede , recognize this guy?

 

[Nae'blis]

"Florida man arrested after whipping out samurai sword in trash dispute"

There's a video too!

Florida man arrested after whipping out samurai sword in trash dispute - National | Globalnews.ca

The dispute broke out while the two men were perusing a junk pile. The victim claimed a dump cart that the suspect wanted.

globalnews.ca

 

[VashTheStampede]

I REMEMBER THAT ONE

 

[Mark]

I REMEMBER THAT ONE

…why’s that? Lose your sheath?

 

[VashTheStampede]

…why’s that? Lose your sheath?

You think pickin a fight with a Florida Man is a wise thing to do?

You sure you aren't from here?

 

[Mark]

You think pickin a fight with a Florida Man is a wise thing to do?

You sure you aren't from here?

Have you ever been to Baltimore? It’s like Florida on crack. Buncha goofballs here. I take any opportunity to poke fun of other places because of it, it’s a common bond.

 

[Scott]

"Florida man arrested for intentionally running over ducklings"

Oh

 

[VashTheStampede]

Have you ever been to Baltimore? It’s like Florida on crack. Buncha goofballs here. I take any opportunity to poke fun of other places because of it, it’s a common bond.

I'm on my 5th or 6th rewatch of the Wire. I instinctively pronounce it Balmer...

...you stay safe out there

 

[Mark]

I'm on my 5th or 6th rewatch of the Wire. I instinctively pronounce it Balmer...

...you stay safe out there

You too, sir, you too. You watch out for those meth gators the same way I gotta watch out for dog sized crack rats.

 

[Friel]

Florida man climbs playground equipment, allegedly yells to children about how babies are born.

 

[Boots]

Trifecta.

Florida man dubbed ‘pooping perpetrator’ sought by police over Joe’s Crab Shack break-in

North Florida Man Beat, Pepper Sprayed Mom Because ‘She Was a Narcissist': Police

Report: Naked Florida Man Steals, Crashes Police Cruiser

What do I win?

 

[Fool's Requiem]

 

[VashTheStampede]

I watched a guy feed a gator a Whopper once.

The burger, not the candy.

 

[Ben]

A Florida man had to be arrested seven times in one weekend for disturbing the peace at three different stores, and threatening to destroy everyone with his turtle army!

The police were called on Saturday after he threatened a Starbucks employee by yelling obscenities and calling himself a saint.

He then proceeded to threaten all of Miami Beach with an army of turtles that would “destroy” them within sixty minutes if they didn’t evacuate immediately – talking about taking it too far!

I like turtles.

 

[shortkut]

Florida Man Steals Pool Floats For Sex 'Instead Of Raping Women,'

 

[Fool's Requiem]

I don't see any problems there. Those were obviously the ONLY two options.

If you can't rape women, steal their pool floaties and stick your dick inside them instead.

Definitely can't clean up and look for women willing to have sex without being raped. That scruff can't be shaved off or anything. No such thing as a shower, either.

 

[Nae'blis]

I don't see any problems there. Those were obviously the ONLY two options.

If you can't rape women, steal their pool floaties and stick your dick inside them instead.

Definitely can't clean up and look for women willing to have sex without being raped. That scruff can't be shaved off or anything. No such thing as a shower, either.

Seems legit.

 

[A Slightly New Used Server]

Florida man arrested for hitting mother with corn cob

<p>A Florida man has been arrested after police say he hit his mother with corn on the cob.</p>

www.wsbtv.com

She was uninjured.

 

[Boots]

"Florida man dies inside suitcase, girlfriend charged after claiming they were playing hide and seek"

...oh wow.

I remember that one!

 

[Nae'blis]

One Punch Florida Man

 

[Raine]

"Florida man dies inside suitcase, girlfriend charged after claiming they were playing hide and seek"

...oh wow.

That's... actually profoundly creepy. I swear something like this was the premise for one of the stories in those old ass children's horror books from the 80's/90's. Whose name I'm completely blanking on at the moment, but the pictures scarred my wimpy ass for at least two decades so I'm not going to go Googling for it.

Anyway, what a way to go.

Edit: I remember! It was "Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark." Super original title. That artist, or those artists, must owe a lot of people money for therapy.

 

[Kat]

I remember that one!

Yeah, that was some craziness. Suuure, the dude zipped himself into a suitcase playing hide and seek.

Mine has a couple amusing contenders:
Florida man arrested after floating away on stolen jet ski he couldn't start

Florida man charged with pouring ketchup on girlfriend while she slept

I'm genuinely surprised somebody would be arrested for pouring ketchup on someone. My local cops would probably laugh in my face if I called them over something like that.

 

[Crystal]

I'm genuinely surprised somebody would be arrested for pouring ketchup on someone. My local cops would probably laugh in my face if I called them over something like that.

Its Florida, that's an average Tuesday for them. Condimenticide

 

[Nae'blis]

Its Florida, that's an average Tuesday for them. Condimenticide

Yeah, you guys need to.....

Ketchup.

 

[Crystal]

This feels like it belongs here...

 

[Crystal]

"Florida man dies inside suitcase, girlfriend charged after claiming they were playing hide and seek"

...oh wow.

Finally -- Sarah Boone:

 

[Webster]

Pull up ol Google, and search for "Florida Man" + your birthday...and see what could have been, had you been lucky enough to live in the state where Mickey Mouse battles the Fascists.

Florida man accused of attempting to toss alligator onto roof, abuse of reptile

A Florida man is accused of grabbing an alligator by its tail and slamming it against a building and onto the ground.

www.fox29.com

 

[Kat]

Florida man accused of attempting to toss alligator onto roof, abuse of reptile

A Florida man is accused of grabbing an alligator by its tail and slamming it against a building and onto the ground.

www.fox29.com

That's peak Florida man right there!

Aren't alligators really heavy, though?

 

[Webster]

I'm genuinely surprised somebody would be arrested for pouring ketchup on someone. My local cops would probably laugh in my face if I called them over something like that.

In some parts of Western NC that'd pass for an average Saturday night in some deep-valley holler.

 

[Benzine]

Florida man impersonates police for discount at Wendy's

Florida man accused of beating cellmate who asked for a 'courtesy flush' to help with smell

Florida man sentenced to prison for stealing 63 golf carts across multiple states

 

[Fool's Requiem]

That's peak Florida man right there!

Aren't alligators really heavy, though?

Based on the article and video, they're pretty small gators. Might be on the younger and lighter side.

 

[Holly]

I just did this.
Mine...wasn't funny at all.

 

[VashTheStampede]

Oh nooo

 

[shortkut]

I just did this.
Mine...wasn't funny at all.

Quick, pick a different one from that day

 

[Holly]

Okay, here's a much less shitty one. Right up the alley of Florida Man Weird.

 

[canadaguy]

Okay, here's a much less shitty one. Right up the alley of Florida Man Weird.

Hmm, maybe this Florida Man and my Florida Man would get along quite well

 

[Fool's Requiem]

man... people are fucking weird

 

[shortkut]

Okay, here's a much less shitty one. Right up the alley of Florida Man Weird.

allegedly

 

[Webster]

Have you ever been to Baltimore? It’s like Florida on crack. Buncha goofballs here.

Ahhh, Bawlmer, home to Homicide and The Wire....

 

[VashTheStampede]

Really need them to release Homicide on Blu-Ray...

 

[Mark]

Really need them to release Homicide on Blu-Ray...

Good luck. I think they forgot about it, and it’s a damn shame… it was such a solid series.