Its a different world now.
I am incredibly internet security conscious, my last name isn't out there, my picture isn't out there en masse, the number of people that I only know online that have *EVER* seen my face can be counted on my hands.
This also tends to extend to my personal life. I dont talk about where I live (other than vaguely being in New England, okay, Massachusetts), I don't talk about my home life, my family, I don't think I've ever used the word "girlfriend" on GW in regard to myself (except for that time Neo (was that who it was?) and I convinced everyone we were dating, and that Neo was some random girl he found online, good times). Family, work, life, I never talk(ed) about any of it, ever.
A lot of that still hasn't changed, but I'm a bit removed from some of it, and I'm older, and I care less what people think, so let's have a little story time.
My mom had MS. For those that don't know what it is, multiple sclerosis is a progressive neurological disease that effects motor function throughout the body. She was diagnosed when I was young, but in my late teens, and progressed fairly rapidly. In high school, I had a promising athletic career (I'm not trying to be one of those old guys that said "AH I COULDA GONE PRO", I was just pretty good, it could have been a free (or cheap) ride to college. When I was 12 or 13, I got kicked in the knee by a girl during a pillow fight at a family Christmas party (yes, true story), all the parents though were drinking and having fun, so when I said what happened, they basically went "ah you're fine put some ice on it" because they didnt wanna leave, so I did.
For about a year afterwards, I kept playing my sports, all the while teaching myself to *NOT* ever limp or show pain so that the coaches wouldn't bench me. And they didn't, and I kept playing on that knee. Eventually I confessed (only to my mom) that it was hurting a lot, and sometimes even locking up. So we finally went to the hospital. I was xrayed, cat scanned, MRIed, and they all said "its fine!". I went back to my sports, "well if they say its fine it must be", still dealing with limping and locking. Some time later, I told my mom it was still hurting bad, so we went back and she basically demanded they look further. They decided to do an orthoscopic surgery to see if they could find anything (orthoscopic is a small incision and they put a camera in to see if theres damage).
They said there wasn't any! "just a little bit of scar tissue", okie dokie. Back to sports for me! Repeat... up until the summer before high school. "Mom, it IS STILL hurting, and now it's starting to lock badly." Back to the hospital, she demanded they dig deeper again, they did ANOTHER orthoscopic surgery, NOTHING. "a little bit of scar tissue, but you're okay".
Alrightie. At this point I've pretty much given up on anyone taking it seriously, I kept playing sports. High school comes around, and I try out for 2 sports. I make varsity in both of them in my freshman year. Now at this point I should tell you, I never fall... ever. Not on ice, not tripping, not stumbling. I might lose my footing, I always catch myself. Its a gift. A couple months into the school year, we were running around the length of the school during one of our practices. My knee locked, and I fell down. Badly. In front of my team, but more importantly, in front of the coaches. And it was obvious this wasn't a "trip", but an injury related issue. They benched me and encouraged me to find someone that would look into it.
Well my mom did, she found a sports medicine specialist in Boston (he works with the Red Sox, the Bruins, even the Boston Ballet Company), and I went to see him. The first thing I told him about, that was his biggest concern, was my knee locking. At this point, I was able to reproduce making it lock, certain positions/lifts/twists would do it. So I got into his office, and he said "okay, can you show me how it locks?" "DERR WELL OKAY BOSS!" I went to get on the ground to do it, in a very specific position, and he stopped me, basically saying if thats what I had to do to lock it, he didnt even wanna see it. He went in orthoscopically.
After I woke up from surgery, the first words I heard from him were "the worst meniscus tear I've ever seen". That ended my sports career, I was on crutches for 6 months (zero weight bearing allowed), so I spent a lot of time at home, a lot of time online. My mom was also getting sicker, she was still able to do things herself, but the MS was taking its toll, and I started doing mroe for her around the house, even while I was injured. I didn't go out as much, I didn't see friends much, I was HUGELY depressed that my sports career was pretty much over. (my Junior year my meniscus tore again, and I had to have a second surgery).
I sank into online stuff, video games, e-fedding, chatrooms, forums, everything. I registered in 2002, but mostly just posted in a wrestling subforum for one of the old games. But by the time I was in my early 20s, my mom needed even more care, and I was having to take on more of that role myself. 2005 is when I became active at GameWinners, and is also around the time I was starting to realize the help my mom was going to need.
I gave up friends and a social life, normal employment, higher education, a lot, my mom needed me to take care of her, so I did. I was home virtually 24/7, I'd go out every so often, on a date, or with a friend, but it was never for more than a handful of hours at a time, several years later, it would be Tom
that became my one escape, coming down every few months or so to go have a day out, but I mostly stayed there with her. People often wondered why I seemed to be online ALL the time, its because I was. I barely slept, I just stayed on the computer. Could I have helped her and still tried to maintain a "normal" life, maybe. But call it depression, call it anxiety, call it whatever, I didn't. I "chose" to just stay home, take care of her, and it was that simple. I'm not exactly proud of how much I just "let go of" in that time, but the way I saw it was that my mom needed me and I couldn't say no. (I come from an abusive household, my mom, and me, but not my sisters), and even as a VERY young child, I always felt like I couldn't protect or save my mom. So I overcompensated as an adult and gave up everything to take care of her.
August 1st of 2022 she died. And... I wish I could express how horribly it hit me. Suicide was on the table, that's how hard it hit me.
I reconnected with a family friend, I had known her and her family since I was 7 years old, we drifted apart because of... romantic issues, but I reconnected with her while all this was going on. And she has been there to help me move past a 20 year stretch of my entire life revolving around caring for my mom, and into the real world again.
And now I'm here. I'm better than I was a year ago, I'm better than I was even 8 months ago, a lot better.
For as BIG AIR QUOTES "famous" as I was on GW, there wasn't a whole lot that was known about me. There might be half a dozen people from the GW days that knew about my mom at all and what was happening.
But its a different world, I'm not a 20 something anymore, I'm still an asshole, I still tell people what I think even if they hate me for it, and as an old friend of mine once said I am still "overly moral", I fight for the things that I think are right, and I fight for them to the death.
So now you know.
kthxbye
I am incredibly internet security conscious, my last name isn't out there, my picture isn't out there en masse, the number of people that I only know online that have *EVER* seen my face can be counted on my hands.
This also tends to extend to my personal life. I dont talk about where I live (other than vaguely being in New England, okay, Massachusetts), I don't talk about my home life, my family, I don't think I've ever used the word "girlfriend" on GW in regard to myself (except for that time Neo (was that who it was?) and I convinced everyone we were dating, and that Neo was some random girl he found online, good times). Family, work, life, I never talk(ed) about any of it, ever.
A lot of that still hasn't changed, but I'm a bit removed from some of it, and I'm older, and I care less what people think, so let's have a little story time.
My mom had MS. For those that don't know what it is, multiple sclerosis is a progressive neurological disease that effects motor function throughout the body. She was diagnosed when I was young, but in my late teens, and progressed fairly rapidly. In high school, I had a promising athletic career (I'm not trying to be one of those old guys that said "AH I COULDA GONE PRO", I was just pretty good, it could have been a free (or cheap) ride to college. When I was 12 or 13, I got kicked in the knee by a girl during a pillow fight at a family Christmas party (yes, true story), all the parents though were drinking and having fun, so when I said what happened, they basically went "ah you're fine put some ice on it" because they didnt wanna leave, so I did.
For about a year afterwards, I kept playing my sports, all the while teaching myself to *NOT* ever limp or show pain so that the coaches wouldn't bench me. And they didn't, and I kept playing on that knee. Eventually I confessed (only to my mom) that it was hurting a lot, and sometimes even locking up. So we finally went to the hospital. I was xrayed, cat scanned, MRIed, and they all said "its fine!". I went back to my sports, "well if they say its fine it must be", still dealing with limping and locking. Some time later, I told my mom it was still hurting bad, so we went back and she basically demanded they look further. They decided to do an orthoscopic surgery to see if they could find anything (orthoscopic is a small incision and they put a camera in to see if theres damage).
They said there wasn't any! "just a little bit of scar tissue", okie dokie. Back to sports for me! Repeat... up until the summer before high school. "Mom, it IS STILL hurting, and now it's starting to lock badly." Back to the hospital, she demanded they dig deeper again, they did ANOTHER orthoscopic surgery, NOTHING. "a little bit of scar tissue, but you're okay".
Alrightie. At this point I've pretty much given up on anyone taking it seriously, I kept playing sports. High school comes around, and I try out for 2 sports. I make varsity in both of them in my freshman year. Now at this point I should tell you, I never fall... ever. Not on ice, not tripping, not stumbling. I might lose my footing, I always catch myself. Its a gift. A couple months into the school year, we were running around the length of the school during one of our practices. My knee locked, and I fell down. Badly. In front of my team, but more importantly, in front of the coaches. And it was obvious this wasn't a "trip", but an injury related issue. They benched me and encouraged me to find someone that would look into it.
Well my mom did, she found a sports medicine specialist in Boston (he works with the Red Sox, the Bruins, even the Boston Ballet Company), and I went to see him. The first thing I told him about, that was his biggest concern, was my knee locking. At this point, I was able to reproduce making it lock, certain positions/lifts/twists would do it. So I got into his office, and he said "okay, can you show me how it locks?" "DERR WELL OKAY BOSS!" I went to get on the ground to do it, in a very specific position, and he stopped me, basically saying if thats what I had to do to lock it, he didnt even wanna see it. He went in orthoscopically.
After I woke up from surgery, the first words I heard from him were "the worst meniscus tear I've ever seen". That ended my sports career, I was on crutches for 6 months (zero weight bearing allowed), so I spent a lot of time at home, a lot of time online. My mom was also getting sicker, she was still able to do things herself, but the MS was taking its toll, and I started doing mroe for her around the house, even while I was injured. I didn't go out as much, I didn't see friends much, I was HUGELY depressed that my sports career was pretty much over. (my Junior year my meniscus tore again, and I had to have a second surgery).
I sank into online stuff, video games, e-fedding, chatrooms, forums, everything. I registered in 2002, but mostly just posted in a wrestling subforum for one of the old games. But by the time I was in my early 20s, my mom needed even more care, and I was having to take on more of that role myself. 2005 is when I became active at GameWinners, and is also around the time I was starting to realize the help my mom was going to need.
I gave up friends and a social life, normal employment, higher education, a lot, my mom needed me to take care of her, so I did. I was home virtually 24/7, I'd go out every so often, on a date, or with a friend, but it was never for more than a handful of hours at a time, several years later, it would be Tom
that became my one escape, coming down every few months or so to go have a day out, but I mostly stayed there with her. People often wondered why I seemed to be online ALL the time, its because I was. I barely slept, I just stayed on the computer. Could I have helped her and still tried to maintain a "normal" life, maybe. But call it depression, call it anxiety, call it whatever, I didn't. I "chose" to just stay home, take care of her, and it was that simple. I'm not exactly proud of how much I just "let go of" in that time, but the way I saw it was that my mom needed me and I couldn't say no. (I come from an abusive household, my mom, and me, but not my sisters), and even as a VERY young child, I always felt like I couldn't protect or save my mom. So I overcompensated as an adult and gave up everything to take care of her.August 1st of 2022 she died. And... I wish I could express how horribly it hit me. Suicide was on the table, that's how hard it hit me.
I reconnected with a family friend, I had known her and her family since I was 7 years old, we drifted apart because of... romantic issues, but I reconnected with her while all this was going on. And she has been there to help me move past a 20 year stretch of my entire life revolving around caring for my mom, and into the real world again.
And now I'm here. I'm better than I was a year ago, I'm better than I was even 8 months ago, a lot better.
For as BIG AIR QUOTES "famous" as I was on GW, there wasn't a whole lot that was known about me. There might be half a dozen people from the GW days that knew about my mom at all and what was happening.
But its a different world, I'm not a 20 something anymore, I'm still an asshole, I still tell people what I think even if they hate me for it, and as an old friend of mine once said I am still "overly moral", I fight for the things that I think are right, and I fight for them to the death.
So now you know.
kthxbye
