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How do you deal with your anger?
- Thread starter MrDawn
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Being angry literally all of the time was my original coping mechanism, and... honestly surprisingly useful? Hulk has something vaguely resembling the right idea with that. At least in short durations. Like on a day-to-day basis everything was at an even keel, there weren't any spikes, people couldn't really get my goat outside of a very select few buttons. So from an incredibly unhealthy perspective, that wasn't awful?
But that shit eats at you. It really does. And it never lasts, either, which is the real problem. People aren't actually designed to harbor things like that for extended periods; even if you don't necessarily have peaks, you do eventually get valleys - depression, loathing, what have you - and that destabilizes everything and results in catastrophe instead. The act of going from the valley to the peak and losing control/composure in the process.
For me, as I've noted elsewhere, I didn't so much learn to address my anger as I just... broke. It's not really possible to compare the before and the after; I'm still very much compartmentalized to this day as an internal defense. Which isn't to say that I couldn't still get angry afterwards - or now, even - it's just different. I can sort of, uhh, I guess shift? Not really personalities or anything like that, just "active" boxes. As long as the first box doesn't boil over before the second box locks in, there's no problem.
With or without that option, you have to withdraw from the situation. If you stay engaged in whatever activity is spurring the anger, then... I mean it sounds obvious when you say it/type it, but in the moment? That shit's hard to remember. You have to disengage in whatever way you can though. Think about family or friends, think about how this situation could end up, imagine fluffy kitties or drunken ducks - whatever. You just need a moment to snap out of it, to reorient, and then follow through on the disengaging. Deep breaths are very effective, familiar (and especially nostalgic) music is very effective, some people swear by hitting pillows or something to release adrenaline and wear yourself out but that has never worked for me personally.
Focusing on other things, or sleeping, is the goal. You gain clarity the further removed from the situation you are time-wise, and with clarity you can examine options and alternatives. Like if, I don't know, you're angry because work is stressing you out and undervaluing/using you - you can explore Indeed or Monster or something, see what's available. Put your frustration to work as fuel in a productive, controlled manner instead of dumping it onto the floor and throwing a match. I'm an analytical type of person, obviously. I try and detach, consider differing views on the situation, try and understand where someone else might be coming from. Maybe bridge a gap between where I'm at and where they're at, and if necessary use that bridge to open productive dialogue.
At present? Like with Crystal, I'm much less prone to getting angry these days in general. To begin my journey I had to let go of a lot of shit, resigned myself to so much more, and find some inner peace before taking the first step - which has then continued to grow. And I'm much more in tune with my emotions now, naturally and with assistance, so where before I would not realize or ignore things like sadness, frustration or annoyance and let those fester and boil into anger, I do the very novel thing of going "Oh, I'm starting to feel kind of down" and pausing to take care of myself.
Ultimately, my own anger scares me. So I'll do anything and everything I can to address the core problem(s) and prevent that from materializing. Which usually includes crying myself to sleep.
But that shit eats at you. It really does. And it never lasts, either, which is the real problem. People aren't actually designed to harbor things like that for extended periods; even if you don't necessarily have peaks, you do eventually get valleys - depression, loathing, what have you - and that destabilizes everything and results in catastrophe instead. The act of going from the valley to the peak and losing control/composure in the process.
For me, as I've noted elsewhere, I didn't so much learn to address my anger as I just... broke. It's not really possible to compare the before and the after; I'm still very much compartmentalized to this day as an internal defense. Which isn't to say that I couldn't still get angry afterwards - or now, even - it's just different. I can sort of, uhh, I guess shift? Not really personalities or anything like that, just "active" boxes. As long as the first box doesn't boil over before the second box locks in, there's no problem.
With or without that option, you have to withdraw from the situation. If you stay engaged in whatever activity is spurring the anger, then... I mean it sounds obvious when you say it/type it, but in the moment? That shit's hard to remember. You have to disengage in whatever way you can though. Think about family or friends, think about how this situation could end up, imagine fluffy kitties or drunken ducks - whatever. You just need a moment to snap out of it, to reorient, and then follow through on the disengaging. Deep breaths are very effective, familiar (and especially nostalgic) music is very effective, some people swear by hitting pillows or something to release adrenaline and wear yourself out but that has never worked for me personally.
Focusing on other things, or sleeping, is the goal. You gain clarity the further removed from the situation you are time-wise, and with clarity you can examine options and alternatives. Like if, I don't know, you're angry because work is stressing you out and undervaluing/using you - you can explore Indeed or Monster or something, see what's available. Put your frustration to work as fuel in a productive, controlled manner instead of dumping it onto the floor and throwing a match. I'm an analytical type of person, obviously. I try and detach, consider differing views on the situation, try and understand where someone else might be coming from. Maybe bridge a gap between where I'm at and where they're at, and if necessary use that bridge to open productive dialogue.
At present? Like with Crystal, I'm much less prone to getting angry these days in general. To begin my journey I had to let go of a lot of shit, resigned myself to so much more, and find some inner peace before taking the first step - which has then continued to grow. And I'm much more in tune with my emotions now, naturally and with assistance, so where before I would not realize or ignore things like sadness, frustration or annoyance and let those fester and boil into anger, I do the very novel thing of going "Oh, I'm starting to feel kind of down" and pausing to take care of myself.
Ultimately, my own anger scares me. So I'll do anything and everything I can to address the core problem(s) and prevent that from materializing. Which usually includes crying myself to sleep.
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I hear that. It's how a lot of my nights end.
I need to learn this skill. I let everyone trample me.I don't get angry, I get even.
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I am good at arguing myself out of it. I am good at understanding the loved ones in my life. I am good at understanding the way business choices don't revolve around me. I am good at making arguments for others. I don't like being angry, and got yelled at a wee bit as a young one - so you learn. So most of it works itself out nicely for me at this point.
I only stay angry when I... let? make? want? to be angry. And of course if something really bad happens I'm angry or upset for an amount of time... But such is life, and it's fine soon after.
I have a partner who can be a bit headstrong at times, but who's awesome otherwise... Relationships require teamwork and keeping this in mind when I'm getting in arguments or upset by the person who does it to me (or anyone) the most (our life partners) makes it a lot easier for me too. That's a big part of my job in my main relationship. Maybe even all relationships at this point, not that most get to that point comparatively speaking.
And I think that mostly covers most of the important stuff. So, when I'm at a sporting event and someone is being awful to someone, that's when the anger is allowed to be more on display. I can be a bit righteous sometimes, which isn't great. I'm not perfect though.
I only stay angry when I... let? make? want? to be angry. And of course if something really bad happens I'm angry or upset for an amount of time... But such is life, and it's fine soon after.
I have a partner who can be a bit headstrong at times, but who's awesome otherwise... Relationships require teamwork and keeping this in mind when I'm getting in arguments or upset by the person who does it to me (or anyone) the most (our life partners) makes it a lot easier for me too. That's a big part of my job in my main relationship. Maybe even all relationships at this point, not that most get to that point comparatively speaking.
And I think that mostly covers most of the important stuff. So, when I'm at a sporting event and someone is being awful to someone, that's when the anger is allowed to be more on display. I can be a bit righteous sometimes, which isn't great. I'm not perfect though.