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Apple Rankings Website

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Smacktard

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Home - Apple Rankings by The Appleist Brian Frange - Comedian Brian Frange

The industry-standard, definitive, inarguable guide to ranking and reviewing munching apples. Curated by comedian Brian Frange.
applerankings.com applerankings.com

Stumbled on this website the other day. And it is website is amazing. The reviews are so over-the-top and verbose for something so run-of-the-mill. The writer and reviewer takes his craft so seriously that every review has a laugh.

Sharing the high reviews or the low reviews would be easy comedy gold, but take this paragraph for a middling 70-rated apple, the "ambrosia apple":
Ambrosia is the food of the Gods, and while this reclaimed Canadian splotch-ball fails to ascend to the vaunted halls of immortality, it is still a pretty good apple fit for consumption by us mere mortals.
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It describes Newtown Pippin Apples as "Long Island's sand-filled condom".

This has officially become my favorite apple review website ever.
 
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Smacktard

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Benzine said:
I'd love to try a Kanzi though!
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I always get them here. It's my favorite apple in Saudi. I only found this website because they're out of season now and I'm not happy with any of the alternatives lol
Benzine said:
Belgium was the most disappointing beer and food place I have been too though. Such high hopes. So shit.
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absolute wrong opinion (about the beer; you're spot-on about the food)
 
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The Eye in the Sky! said:
They badmouth Macouns so I don't like it. Also put Honeycrisp in god tier, which I disagree with.

Nice site, though.
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The review for the Macoun is gold though. IT'S GOLD, JERRY
The Macoun Apple (pronounced “Mc-cow-an” after Canadian horticulturist W.T. McCown – not “Mc-Coon”, which is basically a racial slur wrapped in a Happy Meal)
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The Eye in the Sky! said:
That line did make me laugh when I saw it, but it's less funny that I know of a handful of people that call it a Mc-Coon and I know those people come from racist families.
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I probably would've called it a Mc-Coon apple through sheer ignorance, thinking that was simply the way to pronounce it, and not making the racial connection at all.
 
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Smacktard said:
Got this today out of curiosity. And damn, go ON New Zealand. Between this and the Kanzi apples, I'm thinking NZ are the Top Apple Guys in the world.
(small and expensive and wasteful tho, won't be buying again. Sorry NZ I know that's a huge hit to your GDP lolz)

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Apparently the ranking site rates these apples pretty low. They don't have much flavor, it's true, but they're nice, refreshing, and have a perfect crunch. I rather liked them.

It hurts my heart to see my beloved site trash my beloved new apple discovery
 
Benzine

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Smacktard said:
Got this today out of curiosity. And damn, go ON New Zealand. Between this and the Kanzi apples, I'm thinking NZ are the Top Apple Guys in the world.
(small and expensive and wasteful tho, won't be buying again. Sorry NZ I know that's a huge hit to your GDP lolz)

View attachment 4120
Click to expand...

What's this brand? Doesn't really seem like something that would happen in NZ, I wonder if it's just cause of where you are.
 
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